Conveniently Yours

We live in a throw-away society. Everything centers around convenience.

Throw-away plates, to save you doing dishes.

Throw-away napkins, polystyrene cups, single use shaving razors, disposable cameras, disposable diapers….the list of convenience, “throw-away” goods goes on. Even songs on the radio tell us to, “throw away your television”. We chuck Christmas trees once they’ve been used. We are suckers for an easy life.

So how about Throw-Away-Children? or Convenience-Kids?

I think there’s a niche in the market here.

It could appeal to people who already have children, AND also to potential parents, that may have thought otherwise about having children because of time/energy/money demands that children place on a family.

Convenience Kids.

-”For the busy parent.”

Being a parent is so ‘in’ right now. So fashionable. Anyone who’s anyone wants to be a parent.

But do you like so many others not have time to do homework with your child? Don’t have time to cook those time-consuming annoyingly healthy meals? Don’t have enough energy to throw a ball around at the park? To give your child advice?

We’ve found a way so you can still say, “I’ve got kids” and use interesting labels like “caring mother” or “hard-working parent” without the hassle of a long term child. “Convenience Kids!” It may be just the thing for you!

Rent-a-child for a family portraits, and social events. Then just leave him/her on the curb for re-collection. Simple and convenient.

Is your child throwing a tantrum? Why not just throw him away? You can do just that with our new and improved “Convenience-Kids”.

When the child rearing gets tough, when that child is demanding your attention, is having problems settling in at school, making friends, learning to tie his laces….just GET RID!

Now you really can throw the Baby Out With The Bath Water! It’s that simple!

You never again have to worry about what your child will grow up to be. Just chuck him out when he starts showing signs of bad parenting or defective genes.

“Convenience Kids” will save you money in the long run too.

As childhood obesity rates climb, “Convenience Kids” will save you money on food. Also “Convenience Kids” will save you money on school clothes, as children are forever growing, and with society’s new attention to “labels” and “diagnoses” you may just save a great deal of money on drugs such as Ritalin too! Why risk that psychotherapy bill in years to come, when you can nip the problem in the bud now?

Write off your children.Today.

Out of sight, out of mind.

It is apparently THAT easy.*

* “Convenience Kids” may come with mild side effects such as feelings of guilt or inability to sleep, but with our new drug “Guilt-Away” these can soon be reduced. “Guilt-Away” sold separately. Terms and Conditions Apply.

Conveniently Yours, Probable Sushi

Monkey’s and Martyrdom

There was a time, a long long time ago, where monkeys lived free of prejudice and coercion. There was a time where monkeys knew what the funky chicken the word coercion meant. There were plenty of times, but this story looks back at one particular time… the time where bananas were abundant and the branches seemed to never be closer. This time was a glorious time for monkeys. One in particular, Bunko, lived happy. Happy as can be. He was a well built monkey who was envied by all the male monkeys, and drooled over by the females. Bunko was a monkey of his word. When he said “OO OO AAA EEE AA OO”, he meant that shit. He was a brave little f**ker too. He challenged orangutans and other larger beasts. He never made it against the larger ones… but he powered through fearlessly… until one day… when he met his match. Bunko was a big fan of bananas, as all his species were, but he adored them with carelessness. He came across a blue banana on one sunny afternoon, while enjoying time with his homies and chicitas. When the other monkeys saw Bunko pick out the blue banana, they warned him. “OOOOOOOO OOOOOO AAAAAA!” the tribe proclaimed. But Bunko was an arrogant little bastard. He ate the blue banana despite their warnings in hopes to impress the ladies once again… but this was his last and ultimate act of arrogance. Poor Bunko now lays to rest, with a friggin’ blue banana still half digested in his poor little stomach. The end.

Moral of the story… don’t be stupid. It ain’t worth it.

Peace!

Your emotionally abusive Uncle………….. Uncle Sushi.

New Legislation in Part L of the Standard Fart Procedure

I’m not quite sure what to make of this new legislation which has been passed by The Powers That Be. It seems so uncompromising. And if there’s one thing you don’t need when attempting brain-farting, it’s resistance. It’s so bad for the health you know.

As a result I am now not sure how to get the flow of the previous brain farting going again. I must therefore turn to my esteemed colleague, Uncle Sushi, for ass-istance.

Kind regards, and sincere apologies,

Probable.

The Sushi Files: Revived and Ready to Poop All Over Your Minds

Well, dear people of the Kingdom of Sushidome…. what the f**k has been happening here? Probable and I have been on hiatus for a while… my fault, I must admit… but we’re here again… and we’re gonna rock the shit out of this blog — as always.

To kick things off again, here’s a thought… Why is it that when you decide to let out a tiny little fart on an elevator, it’s the stinkiest little bastard? And it always seems to linger until you’ve reached the floor your headed to and there’s always some woman with her little kid about to walk in.

For all you elevator farters out there — keep your poo bubbles in your containment area until your out of harm’s way.

The thankful uncle of all sushi lovers… Uncle Sushi.

ON STRIKE!

Hello people… I know my fans (all one of them) will be very dissapointed in me for doing this but I am going to anyway… I am on strike. This is why I haven’t written in a while… and this is why I REFUSE to write until my demands are met.

I refuse to write on Sushi Files again until Al Pacino admits that he owes me $5. End of story.

I will not take this abuse anymore. Al! Pay me back darnit!

From your loving uncle, Uncle Sushi.

Why were we gone…?

I just thought I ought to drop a line or two since neither I, nor Uncle Sushi, have written or published anything for the longest time…hmmm.

I wonder why that is?

Is it because the price of TuRkeys have gone up?
(Turkeys with a capital ‘T’ and ‘R’ you wonder dear friends and viewers?? Why yes indeed, for I am talking of the sacred creature The TuRkey…The long-legged TuRkey. Look it up if you’re not familar. It is worshipped in many cultures as being a rain bringing deity.)

Or is it because we have gotten bored?

Or is it because we were hospitalised due to severe flasbacks from our days in Nam?

Or is it because we were out investigating new realms?

I can only speak for myself, as I cannot ventriloquise for Uncle Sushi or our other representatives….But I myself was exploring other means of communication and other realms….This involved having seances to communicate with the dead, and joining face book to reach the living…

However, stay semi-tuned for more…For there will be more my friends, oh yes, there will be more…

Brought to you today on this sunny Tuesday afternoon/eve by Probable Sushi

F*ck It?

*wonders why Uncle Sushi is angry*

Probable Sushi speculates.

F*ck It

I think the title says it all.

The Pissed-Off Uncle Sushi.

Past Life Diagnosis

I had a Past Life Diagnosis done and it was quite interesting. All you have to do is enter your birth date.

To get a flavour for it here is mine:

‘Your past life diagnosis:
I don’t know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Yukon around the year 1675. Your profession was that of a leader, major or captain.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Timid, constrained, quiet person. You had creative talents, which waited until this life to be liberated. Sometimes your environment considered you strange.

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
It always seemed to you that your perceptions of the world are somewhat different. Your lesson is to trust your intuition as your best guide in your present life.

Do you remember now?’

Regressed by Probable Sushi

Why Global Warming is Cool

Unlike Probable Sushi, I think Global Warming is just awesome. Why do we have to be so negative all the time. Come on people, lighten up! So the ice caps melt a bit and the water level increases globally… but after all the death and destruction, just imagine how many new places we’ll have to swim! Okay, so the water would be filled with plants, bacteria and life that shouldn’t be there, but hey! Swimming is swimming!

I keep hearing about this ozone business… so we pollute the hell out of the atmosphere, global warming kills the atmosphere and we get zapped by ultraviolet what-nots… I say, COOL! Just imagine how quick it would be to achieve the sun burntan you’ve always wanted! No more sun-bathing for hours and hours… a quick few minutes in direct sunlight and awwwaaaaaayyyyy you go. Nice and crisp. Yummy.

Hmm… what else? Animals dying… who cares, really? I mean, Genetically Modified Foods should make up for that. Sure, you may end up growing an extra arm or a thumb up your pooper, but at the end of the day it’ll save us from having to care about those furry bastards we call McWhoppers or whatever.

Oh… I just remembered, the coolest part of it all… AIR POLLUTION! With all the carbon-monoxied you’ll be breathing in all day, who needs to smoke ciggerettes! Man, that saves a good few hundred $ a year alone!

I can’t wait!

Brain-pooped by your good ‘ol Uncle Sushi.

P.S. – Remember to floss daily.