Friggin Feng Shui

I’ve just feng shui’ed my home.
I was having some money problems and a friend of mine recommended I give my home the once over with a feng shui book, to rid my self of any “negative vibes” She said it worked wonders for her.
It’s meant to harmonise your stressful energies or something…I need some de-stressing so I thought why not give it a try. And I could do with some good karma.

So, I bought myself a money plant to put in the ‘wealth corner’ of my apartment…some pretty healing quartz crystals and a nice water fountain to create a peaceful atmosphere. Also, the book recommended a wind chime and mirrors to help ‘move’ the energy around the place…So I bought 5 windchimes and a few mirrors to make sure I have enough. I figured the more the merrier. And on page 54 it said not to have any sharp edges in your home…like square or rectangular tables, shelves…etc. Ideally everything should be circular and smooth….I thought maybe I’ll buy myself a round yingyang shaped table from the Ikea catalogue. They’re kinda cute and don’t cost too much.

However, it’s all gone wrong. It doesn’t work! Since I have rearranged the furniture my cat has started peeing in the corners of the room…He’s acting confused and is marking the territory, as though it’s an unfamiliar place. I eventually had to lock him away in my pantry. It’s a mess in there now. The pump in my mist making water fountain has burnt out, and now the apartment has a smell of burnt rubber and cat piss seeping through it. Hardly relaxing I tell you.

The fountain makes a funny humming noise-like an old fridge, and I keep bumping my head on the damn wind chimes and dream catchers everywhere. And I cant find the yang half of my Ikea table anywhere. Maybe I shouldn’t have rearranged the furniture so much. My bed is now in the hallway, and my fridge/freezer is behind the TV.

Also, the next thing I know my money making plant has died, and after sanding all the edges of my furniture down, to create ’smooth edges and good karma’ I keep walking into the furniture…Not to mention my allergies have flared up from all the sawdust everywhere. The worst thing so far though is that I can’t seem to find anything any more, because it’s all been taken down off the shelves, And I sliced my hand open on a large sharp piece of quartz crystal in the kitchen the other morning. I thought crystals were meant to be healing-Not be the cause of bloodloss.

Also, when you are hung over the last thing you need is bright light reflecting at you from 10 different mirrors and horrid gong-ing noises from the damn windchimes reverberating through your achey head.

And you know what?
I’m not richer.

Probable Feng Su(sh)i.