Oh, little fart… why do you sneak out so?

Vegetarianism. Something I never thought I would get into. But here I am, taking my first steps into this world of beans, fruits, vegetables, and yes… the stinky fart syndrome. One thing I can safely say… vegetarianism makes you fart. And I’m not referring to the “I just ate a really juicy hot dog with too much relish” fart. I’m talking about the “Oh shit, I just are an entire can of baked beans for dinner” fart. There’s a big difference. Allow me to enlighten you…

When you’ve switched your diet to a non-meat extravaganza, your body treats the gas differently. At least in my case it did. Probable Sushi is more of a vegetarian-fart expert, so perhaps she can explain… but for me, here’s the process:

1. You eat lunch or dinner.
2. You enjoy it.
3. You wash up and go about your day.
4. You soon begin to feel a slight pressure build up in your lower intestine.
5. You prepare yourself for a fart.
6. You’re almost ready to fart.
7. You unclench, and get ready for it to be released into the air of which it belongs.
8. But then… it suddenly disappears.
9. You get upset. You were ready to fart and now it’s gone.
10. Some time passes and… uh, oh… you’re ready for a fart.
11. This time for real.
12. You prepare yourself once again for the magnificent release of the much deserved fart.
13. But again, as before… it disappears into the abyss you once called your digestive system.
14. You get disappointed once again.
15. You go about your business when suddenly a massive bubble appears in your stomach.
16. It makes it’s way down to your fart zone.
17. It begins to disappear YET AGAIN… but this time you’ve had enough.
18. You give a little supportive push, you feel it about to leave your body and rejoice in freedom.
19. Nothing happens.
20. You push again as you feel the bubble leaving… this time for good.
21. You feel something miraculous about to happen.
22. And it happens… “Ppfftt”. A tiny fart escapes.
23. Little bastard. Where’s the rest of you?
24. Later that day… when you least expect it, when you’ve made your peace with the whole situation… you fart the fart of farts… and you wish you never had.
25. You gasp for air.
26. You lose your sense of taste.
27. Fucking vegetables.
28. Lather, rinse, repeat.

And that’s that.

Pffttt’ed out my the Pffttt’er himself… Uncle Sushi.

Tags: farts, steps, vegetables, vegetarianism