Other than being a world-renowned brainfart guru, I’m also a corporate goon trying to make my way up in the world. While I was taking my evening poop, I was thinking about something that perhaps only a handful of people do – how do you work your way down in the world? If someone really, really wanted to… how could they take a step down the corporate ladder? I figured it out…
The key to getting promoted, becoming a high-flyer, a successful corporate goon, etc. is to get noticed. That’s the way the blue chip world works. Turn a few heads, impress a few key people and prove that you can be “one of them”. So, to descend in the corporate world, you’ll need to do the complete opposite. I don’t like wasting time… it’s a trait I picked up being an organizational zombie. Efficiency! Effectiveness! Blah blah blah… so if we’re going to do this, let’s do it quick and easy.
What are the key ingredients for this mission to work? Well, we’ll need as many “decision makers” as possible, preferably all together, and listening to you… sound familiar? Yup, I’m talking about a presentation. It’s the PERFECT opportunity to get yourself thrust back into the confines of your little cubicle with no hope of making it in this world. Beautiful. I’m not going to tell you what exactly needs to be done… this is for you to figure out and add your own flavor… but I do have a few examples…
Here’s the setup. You’ve got your 24 slides of bullshit up on the projector, ready to rock and roll. The meeting room has a number of senior managers, all propped up on their leather chairs and “power” ties, ready to sling your bullshit at them. The air-conditioner is breezing against the side of your face, and the room is beginning to smell like Old Spice and mid-life crises. Now for the fun part… keeping the concept of efficiency in the picture, let’s look at ways we can start our presentation that can end our careers…
- You begin your presentation by saying “Okay, little ones…”
- Pick out the highest ranking person in the room and say to him “I notice your wife dressed you again this morning…”
- After you’ve begun. pause abruptly, open your eyes really wide, let out a fart… then look at the closest person to you and say “Smell that? Reminds me of your wife’s perfume…”
- Guys, grab your testicles. Girls, grab your tits. Pick some random senior manager out from the audience and say “The fuck you lookin’ at?”
- Start unbuckling and buckling your belt repeatedly.
- From time to time mid-presentation start humming the national anthem.
- After you’ve greeted all the senior doo-da managers, smell your fingers and say in a soft voice “Oops, forgot to wash.”
