As a man, I must say… kudos! Tell the crying lady to shush in her moment of need and vulnerability. After all, she was crying. Her fault. She asked for it. She clung to you and asked for your comfort… not the other way around. What was she expecting? How the fuck can you comfort her in the fucking rain? It’s raining! Double-you tee eff!

In every movie out there from 1953 onwards, whenever a woman clings to a man in tears, his first and immediate response is “Shhhhh…”. I think every tear shed by a woman should get a “Shhhh…”, it makes the aftermath so much more exciting. When the woman has snapped out of her boo-hoo’s, she’ll be sitting on her couch eating ice-cream and contemplating the world… probably watching “The View” or some other feminist-nazi shit… and then she’ll realize that he shushed her. Oh, boy, is he in trouble.

She’ll unleash hell on his manly ass. He’ll pay for his shushing. He’ll regret the day he ever dared to shush a woman. Every lesson she’s ever learned on Oprah, Rachel Ray and The Doctors will come bitch slap him. Every lesson he’s ever learned on WWE, UFC, The Terminator, Heat and Scarface will prove abso-fucking-lutely useless… and he will suffer the consequences.

Gentlemen… if you’re woman ever cries in your arms… hold her tight, his her gently, tell her it’ll “be okay”… and shut the fuck up. If you ever have the urge to shush her… at least try to cover it up with a cough. That shit you see in movies where the guy does it and she kisses him for it… total CGI, dude. Hollywood covered that shit up real good.

Philosophically belched out from the Montoblasto valleys of the pits of Fantanasia by Uncle Sushi‘s #2 – Nephew Sushi.

How about we just withhold advertising?

Because frankly I’m sick of advertising. It’s so aggressive.

Here buy this…You need this…and five of these…and did you know that without these you’re doomed?! Everyone should have one of these…bla bla bla.

It’s always so negative. Without this deodorant you won’t score girls…And you Madam! Without this cream you will prematurely age! (God forbid you look your own age, or grow old gracefully.) And then of course there’s the charity campaigns as well. Showing us images of all the horrific things happening in the world. Earth quakes, children starving. Trying to guilt trip us into sending money.

How about focusing on the positives?

I don’t need constant reminders of how fucked up the world is. That it’s damaged, dangerous, lacking in decent people….Where’s the joy? Where’s the trust?

Mr. Advertiser I would be so much more likely to buy your stupid cream if you told me it was going to enhance my natural, already-there good looks. That everyone is totally unique, and that makes them beautiful in their own way.

And Mr. Charity Fundraiser, I would love to see pictures of the children’s happy faces after someone has made a donation, or smiling after a nice hot meal or reading a page out loud from a picture book. Why can’t we see that?

We have The News for bad news. We have action and horror films for explosions, terrorists, and fear.

Isn’t that enough?

So, show me the love. Show me the joy, the good deeds, the happiness. Bring me the good stuff.  Show me where the profit is going. If I buy your product will you invest some of it in a worthy cause? I’d respect you so much more for that.

Probable Sushi.

We all have to poop. This is universal. Black people, white people, slightly-tanned people, Canadians… we all have to poop. But what I think is fascinating is that we all have similar tendencies. For example, why is it that we have this innate desire to hold our poop in? You might be at home watching TV or at the office wasting time and pretending to work, but you’ll do the same thing when the urge to poop comes along. You’ll decide to ignore it for a while and “cook it”. Why? We’re all guilty of it, so don’t try denying it.

Is it the challenge or the thrill that we seek? Is pooping such an intolerable process that we try to postpone the inevitable whenever we can? What’s the deal?

I personally find it to be a nice challenge. Keeps you on your toes to see how long you can withhold before you actually shit yourself.

Speaking of which… gotta run!

Withheld by your soon-to-be-pooping-like-a-winner Uncle Sushi.

Maybe what you want in return is different… but that’s the beauty… we can all pick what we want! There’s plenty of advertisements to go around. I think every run of an ad can be tailored to a specific individual – it might be expensive to do… but fuck it! If I’m going to fork over $5 for a jar of dry coffee dandruff, I deserve a little fucking TLC. Come on, Advertisers – my ass is awaiting for some smooching… get moving.

Your loving Uncle from the depths of the Himalayan bushes, Uncle Sushi.

The key to getting promoted, becoming a high-flyer, a successful corporate goon, etc. is to get noticed. That’s the way the blue chip world works. Turn a few heads, impress a few key people and prove that you can be “one of them”. So, to descend in the corporate world, you’ll need to do the complete opposite. I don’t like wasting time… it’s a trait I picked up being an organizational zombie. Efficiency! Effectiveness! Blah blah blah… so if we’re going to do this, let’s do it quick and easy.

What are the key ingredients for this mission to work? Well, we’ll need as many “decision makers” as possible, preferably all together, and listening to you… sound familiar? Yup, I’m talking about a presentation. It’s the PERFECT opportunity to get yourself thrust back into the confines of your little cubicle with no hope of making it in this world. Beautiful. I’m not going to tell you what exactly needs to be done… this is for you to figure out and add your own flavor… but I do have a few examples…

Here’s the setup. You’ve got your 24 slides of bullshit up on the projector, ready to rock and roll. The meeting room has a number of senior managers, all propped up on their leather chairs and “power” ties, ready to sling your bullshit at them. The air-conditioner is breezing against the side of your face, and the room is beginning to smell like Old Spice and mid-life crises. Now for the fun part… keeping the concept of efficiency in the picture, let’s look at ways we can start our presentation that can end our careers…

1. You begin your presentation by saying “Okay, little ones…”
2. Pick out the highest ranking person in the room and say to him “I notice your wife dressed you again this morning…”
3. After you’ve begun. pause abruptly, open your eyes really wide, let out a fart… then look at the closest person to you and say “Smell that? Reminds me of your wife’s perfume…”
4. Guys, grab your testicles. Girls, grab your tits. Pick some random senior manager out from the audience and say “The fuck you lookin’ at?”
5. Start unbuckling and buckling your belt repeatedly.
6. From time to time mid-presentation start humming the national anthem.
7. After you’ve greeted all the senior doo-da managers, smell your fingers and say in a soft voice “Oops, forgot to wash.”

So… a fart bubbles up… I’m ready to float the air-biscuit… and yup… it disappears once again (as discussed in detail here). But this time… brace yourself… it turns into a burp! What the f*ck is going on? I’m ready to fart… fart disappears… I burp? Umm… thank God the burp didn’t smell! Otherwise I would have been REALLY worried!

Man… this vegetarian business is tough. Oh, tasty little vegetables, why do you release so much potent gas?

Confusingly burped out by Uncle Sushi himself.

When you’ve switched your diet to a non-meat extravaganza, your body treats the gas differently. At least in my case it did. Probable Sushi is more of a vegetarian-fart expert, so perhaps she can explain… but for me, here’s the process:

1. You eat lunch or dinner.
2. You enjoy it.
3. You wash up and go about your day.
4. You soon begin to feel a slight pressure build up in your lower intestine.
5. You prepare yourself for a fart.
6. You’re almost ready to fart.
7. You unclench, and get ready for it to be released into the air of which it belongs.
8. But then… it suddenly disappears.
9. You get upset. You were ready to fart and now it’s gone.
10. Some time passes and… uh, oh… you’re ready for a fart.
11. This time for real.
12. You prepare yourself once again for the magnificent release of the much deserved fart.
13. But again, as before… it disappears into the abyss you once called your digestive system.
14. You get disappointed once again.
15. You go about your business when suddenly a massive bubble appears in your stomach.
16. It makes it’s way down to your fart zone.
17. It begins to disappear YET AGAIN… but this time you’ve had enough.
18. You give a little supportive push, you feel it about to leave your body and rejoice in freedom.
19. Nothing happens.
20. You push again as you feel the bubble leaving… this time for good.
21. You feel something miraculous about to happen.
22. And it happens… “Ppfftt”. A tiny fart escapes.
23. Little bastard. Where’s the rest of you?
24. Later that day… when you least expect it, when you’ve made your peace with the whole situation… you fart the fart of farts… and you wish you never had.
25. You gasp for air.
26. You lose your sense of taste.
27. Fucking vegetables.
28. Lather, rinse, repeat.

And that’s that.

Pffttt’ed out my the Pffttt’er himself… Uncle Sushi.

Dangerously yours,
Uncle Sushi

Quit looking at my ass.

Your f**king loving uncle… Uncle Sushi.

Throw-away plates, to save you doing dishes.

Throw-away napkins, polystyrene cups, single use shaving razors, disposable cameras, disposable diapers….the list of convenience, “throw-away” goods goes on. Even songs on the radio tell us to, “throw away your television”. We chuck Christmas trees once they’ve been used. We are suckers for an easy life.

So how about Throw-Away-Children? or Convenience-Kids?

I think there’s a niche in the market here.

It could appeal to people who already have children, AND also to potential parents, that may have thought otherwise about having children because of time/energy/money demands that children place on a family.

Convenience Kids.

-”For the busy parent.”

Being a parent is so ‘in’ right now. So fashionable. Anyone who’s anyone wants to be a parent.

But do you like so many others not have time to do homework with your child? Don’t have time to cook those time-consuming annoyingly healthy meals? Don’t have enough energy to throw a ball around at the park? To give your child advice?

We’ve found a way so you can still say, “I’ve got kids” and use interesting labels like “caring mother” or “hard-working parent” without the hassle of a long term child. “Convenience Kids!” It may be just the thing for you!

Rent-a-child for a family portraits, and social events. Then just leave him/her on the curb for re-collection. Simple and convenient.

Is your child throwing a tantrum? Why not just throw him away? You can do just that with our new and improved “Convenience-Kids”.

When the child rearing gets tough, when that child is demanding your attention, is having problems settling in at school, making friends, learning to tie his laces….just GET RID!

Now you really can throw the Baby Out With The Bath Water! It’s that simple!

You never again have to worry about what your child will grow up to be. Just chuck him out when he starts showing signs of bad parenting or defective genes.

“Convenience Kids” will save you money in the long run too.

As childhood obesity rates climb, “Convenience Kids” will save you money on food. Also “Convenience Kids” will save you money on school clothes, as children are forever growing, and with society’s new attention to “labels” and “diagnoses” you may just save a great deal of money on drugs such as Ritalin too! Why risk that psychotherapy bill in years to come, when you can nip the problem in the bud now?

Write off your children.Today.

Out of sight, out of mind.

It is apparently THAT easy.*

* “Convenience Kids” may come with mild side effects such as feelings of guilt or inability to sleep, but with our new drug “Guilt-Away” these can soon be reduced. “Guilt-Away” sold separately. Terms and Conditions Apply.

Conveniently Yours, Probable Sushi